Grumpy, grumpy, ugh, nope. That was my brain this morning when I sat down to meditate. I'd skipped yesterday (intentionally, more on that in a different post), but I don't think the reason today was difficult was because I was "out of practice" or anything. I think it was just brain weather. And that's going to happen sometimes.
I still felt more centered and refreshed when I decided to stop though, so the quiet time with myself and in my body was still good. It was still worth it to sit down and try to meditate.
I sat down and immediately noticed how uncooperative my brain was. It felt like my thoughts were made out of sticky gravel. They clumped together and had hard edges. They stuck in the flow of my thinking and I couldn't really disengage with them. Even though my meds had already started to kick in, there was still the grumpiness and the attachment to thinking about stuff (in this case, thinking about a FB post I'd made yesterday and all the comments friends had given me in response to a question I'd been afraid to ask in public.)
At one point as I struggled to center myself, my cat wandered over and touched my hand and scared the ever-living shit out of me. I jumped and reflexively pushed him away and then I had the added swirl of shame (did I just hit my own cat?!) and the rapid heartbeat and adrenaline spike from the startle.
But I still tried to return my attention to my breathing, my body, my posture, the top of my head, and I listened and felt for the heartbeat and noticed as it began to slow back down to normal.
Eventually I realized I had to bring out the "big guns" and I did two diaphramatic breaths, a minute or so apart. Those definitely helped. My brain felt much happier. Much more content. But there was still this sort of solid wall or solid floor between me and the meditative state I'd hit in my last two sessions.
So I just let it go. I accepted that today might not be the day when I meditate. And that's okay. I sat in my body, and felt my breath, heard the distractions, let my thoughts drift and only gently nudged my attention back to my body when I noticed my thoughts.
It became quieter, more calm, more relaxed, and my brain weather definitely shifted away from being grumpy. My mood became more content, and that was enough.
Eventually I started checking in with myself to see if I wanted to be done. It's funny how that check-in happens. I'll kind of mentally ask myself "do I want to be done?" and sort of listen to my body and listen for an urge to move or an urge to open my eyes. I don't try to test anything to see how I feel. I just wait until it's almost like my hands wiggle on their own accord. They make the decision for me in a way.
And that's what happened. I asked, listened, and waited, staying with the pre-meditation experience I was having until I felt my hands flex gently, almost all on their own, and I began to stretch and open my eyes before finally standing up again.
And that was it. And it's okay that meditation didn't happen today. I still feel like I got recharged a bit and I appreciate how the time helped shift my mood. That part was especially nice.
So the lesson from today is that even when my ADHD brain can't meditate, it's still valuable to try. Still valuable to sit with myself, use a few tools, and pay attention to my body as best I can.
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